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Friday, April 1, 2016

I've come to realize



That maybe this whole bearded alpha theme just isn't who I want to be anymore...

I've been considering removing about 5" of growth from my beard and going more toward the scrawny beta hipster look with splotchy wild growths on my neck. I've been feeling bad about them seeing my lionized mane and the effect is has of pushing them over into the not growing sub-par beards category anymore. It's just not fair to them. I think I'd fit in better with their douchey tech nerd circles and maybe be able to understand their sensitive feelings and trigger words a little more. I mean hey, who doesn't need a safe space from time to time, AMIRITE? I could sit and listen to them squawk about why it's everyone else's fault that there's no god damned Urban Outfitters or Trader Joe's here, and that the Pabst Blue Ribbon sixers are like so outrageously priced, and why can't we get faster Mac IOS updates, and what are the best prices in town on gluten free non-soy inked Vegan Tattoos, or how they go to ALL of the local shows and saw my favorite band live 2 years ago in a local gluten free themed eco-diner or ethically sourced food only organic cafe. I could buy an expensive DSLR camera and carry around a "portfolio" filled with Bob Mapplethorpe look-a-likes and discuss filters and lenses and over a shitty IPA or red ale that no one has ever heard of. I kind of want to live in an awesome apartment that my parents payed for even though I have a job because using my own means to pay for it would mean that I was downgrading. I'd like to organize a Barista Jam Sesh with my totes fave Starbucks Barista that is transgendered and identifies as a woman but still looks like a young Justin Beiber. I mean seriously, what's not to love about people who make everything they do so fucking incredibly difficult to others around them that they can incite more blind hatred in 2 seconds than an all ginger-haired squad of Al-Qaeda members?






















































































































I'm just kidding you fuckers. Happy April Fools day, ya shit dicks! I'm still gonna be me. 

4 comments:

Phil said...

Peckerhead.

Glen Filthie said...

What he said!

I think I know who left the burning bag of shit on my doorstep now too. It's either you or Uncle Bob...

eatgrueldog said...

That's hilarious. You managed to either macro or micro agress in every sentence. I need my safe space now.....

Anonymous said...

I/We have had enough change for the sake of change only because it changed. The change that changed has changed the feelings toward change to the point change is the only thing which changes.
Now we know all about the hope and change we didnt want or need.